I go home in 8 hours. take that ARMY!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
new resolve
ever have one of those moments in life when you feel entirely lost? im not just talking the kind of lost where you think, "oh my gosh, what am i gonna do". im talking more like "what the freak, what happened to me? who am i? where did the old me go?".
ive been back from iraq for almost six months now. and a lot has happened, and even more has changed. in everyones lives not just mine. i think now is the first time that my mind is okay with thinking about everything that ive been through during the months leading up to a 11 month deployment and all the way through to now. before i avoided thinking about iraq bcuz i was just glad to be home and didnt want to think of the pains and struggles i got from it. it literally changed who i am. i used to be focused on such dumb shit before. i neglected my family. or at least feel like i didnt fully appreciate them. amongst so many other mistakes. i feel lucky bcuz wake up calls like a deployment dont come along all too often.
i found whats important to me in my life. temporarily at least, then at about month 6 i started to burn out from being stuck in the rut that is a deployment. i stopped caring, even more so, i went completely numb emotionally and mentally. i didnt care the language i used around who. i started mistreating friends from before i joined the army. i lost who i was before i had enlisted. before iraq there was still part of the old me there. but then i got to this point where the innocent fun loving trent was gone entirely. that was the trent that people were friends with in high school. the guy that was totally random, spontaneous, and energetic. instead i exhibited the mean, cold, and bitter side of my soul that everyone has. only, it became all that was there. i was depressed, sad, lonely, and anything else negative that you can think of. i couldnt be with the girl i liked or the family i love. it was like a slap in the face.
once i got near the end of deployment i focused heavily on the thought of trying out for Army Special Forces when i got back. which would have been fine, but it became a distractor. it kept me from focusing on re-integrating back into "normal" army life as i had known it before i deployed. The first three months i went without seeing a vast majority of the soldiers in my unit. I was always doing physical training with the sf recruiters instead.
because of this pt, i ended up missing a lot of the changes that happened to my troop and squadron. but moreso i wasnt focusing enough on me. i was too dedicated to just relax. i didnt know how to relax. its hard when your living in a country on a base that is target practice for people who hate you and everything you stand for. even though your apart of bringing free democracy to their people, and then one day you are suddenly completely pulled from that situation and placed back into american society.
i said many hurtful things to quite a few people while i was over there that i regret badly. there is one that stands out greatly. it was to a girl that i liked who ended up with someone else. i couldnt understand why she wouldnt wait for me. i get it now. i understand the difficulty in doing so. i know how it feels to be alone. part of my problem is keeping in touch with those i love and at times it leaves me feeling empty and alone. ive gotten better at dealing with it over these last three years but it never completely feels right.
tonite i was on this blogsite looking at that girls page, i read over a posting of hers that mentioned me in it. i was so mad at her a couple weeks after she had written that because she ended up breaking it off. i felt used quite honestly. i felt lied to and cheated. i really had fallen hard for this girl way to fast and i wanted it to work out. either way it didnt. i dont know for what ultimate purpose but it didnt. the shitty part is now we have no friendship so i cant even see this girl i went through high school with simply bcuz things are weird between us.
enough of the crappy part. what i wanted to say is that when i read her post on there and realized that a part of her was crazy about me then too, its almost as if a rip in my heart finally got to heal and close back up. i feel at peace with it all. i suddenly feel like a younger version of myself. in the past i realized that i was definitely not over the whole ordeal but i kept pushing it to the back of my mind. i would be with another girl and would think of her thats how bad it was. which is dumb considering that i had spent all of two, two week blocks of leave with her. so y i had such strong feelings is beyond me. there were many times i wanted to push delete and forget the whole thing.
so now i feel better! seriously though, my buddy blair came over tonite to borrow a SAT study guide and a calculator so he can prepare for the SAT and hopefully get accepted into a college program paid for by the army. his positive motivation to go to school, coupled with reading her blog post re-kindled a spark in me that had gone out altogether. whether i choose to pursue the same program and get commisioned as an army officer or if i just try and enroll in a couple classes this fall semester, i am going to start doing some school. if not for anything else to at least prepare myself for when i exit the military. whenever that may be. also i am going to try and be more like the old me. the positive happy go lucky dont worry about a thing trent!
so that is my new resolve.
ive been back from iraq for almost six months now. and a lot has happened, and even more has changed. in everyones lives not just mine. i think now is the first time that my mind is okay with thinking about everything that ive been through during the months leading up to a 11 month deployment and all the way through to now. before i avoided thinking about iraq bcuz i was just glad to be home and didnt want to think of the pains and struggles i got from it. it literally changed who i am. i used to be focused on such dumb shit before. i neglected my family. or at least feel like i didnt fully appreciate them. amongst so many other mistakes. i feel lucky bcuz wake up calls like a deployment dont come along all too often.
i found whats important to me in my life. temporarily at least, then at about month 6 i started to burn out from being stuck in the rut that is a deployment. i stopped caring, even more so, i went completely numb emotionally and mentally. i didnt care the language i used around who. i started mistreating friends from before i joined the army. i lost who i was before i had enlisted. before iraq there was still part of the old me there. but then i got to this point where the innocent fun loving trent was gone entirely. that was the trent that people were friends with in high school. the guy that was totally random, spontaneous, and energetic. instead i exhibited the mean, cold, and bitter side of my soul that everyone has. only, it became all that was there. i was depressed, sad, lonely, and anything else negative that you can think of. i couldnt be with the girl i liked or the family i love. it was like a slap in the face.
once i got near the end of deployment i focused heavily on the thought of trying out for Army Special Forces when i got back. which would have been fine, but it became a distractor. it kept me from focusing on re-integrating back into "normal" army life as i had known it before i deployed. The first three months i went without seeing a vast majority of the soldiers in my unit. I was always doing physical training with the sf recruiters instead.
because of this pt, i ended up missing a lot of the changes that happened to my troop and squadron. but moreso i wasnt focusing enough on me. i was too dedicated to just relax. i didnt know how to relax. its hard when your living in a country on a base that is target practice for people who hate you and everything you stand for. even though your apart of bringing free democracy to their people, and then one day you are suddenly completely pulled from that situation and placed back into american society.
i said many hurtful things to quite a few people while i was over there that i regret badly. there is one that stands out greatly. it was to a girl that i liked who ended up with someone else. i couldnt understand why she wouldnt wait for me. i get it now. i understand the difficulty in doing so. i know how it feels to be alone. part of my problem is keeping in touch with those i love and at times it leaves me feeling empty and alone. ive gotten better at dealing with it over these last three years but it never completely feels right.
tonite i was on this blogsite looking at that girls page, i read over a posting of hers that mentioned me in it. i was so mad at her a couple weeks after she had written that because she ended up breaking it off. i felt used quite honestly. i felt lied to and cheated. i really had fallen hard for this girl way to fast and i wanted it to work out. either way it didnt. i dont know for what ultimate purpose but it didnt. the shitty part is now we have no friendship so i cant even see this girl i went through high school with simply bcuz things are weird between us.
enough of the crappy part. what i wanted to say is that when i read her post on there and realized that a part of her was crazy about me then too, its almost as if a rip in my heart finally got to heal and close back up. i feel at peace with it all. i suddenly feel like a younger version of myself. in the past i realized that i was definitely not over the whole ordeal but i kept pushing it to the back of my mind. i would be with another girl and would think of her thats how bad it was. which is dumb considering that i had spent all of two, two week blocks of leave with her. so y i had such strong feelings is beyond me. there were many times i wanted to push delete and forget the whole thing.
so now i feel better! seriously though, my buddy blair came over tonite to borrow a SAT study guide and a calculator so he can prepare for the SAT and hopefully get accepted into a college program paid for by the army. his positive motivation to go to school, coupled with reading her blog post re-kindled a spark in me that had gone out altogether. whether i choose to pursue the same program and get commisioned as an army officer or if i just try and enroll in a couple classes this fall semester, i am going to start doing some school. if not for anything else to at least prepare myself for when i exit the military. whenever that may be. also i am going to try and be more like the old me. the positive happy go lucky dont worry about a thing trent!
so that is my new resolve.
Monday, July 11, 2011
love sucks
well the girl ive been seeing is now moved on to some other guy. fml! she wanted a committment and i couldn't pull through. i kept telling her i have absolutely no idea where i will be in the near future (six months). she didnt like that. so she moved on. guess i should have seen that one coming. now its back to more time with the boys on the weekends and chillin in my room on week nights. its good in some ways though, now i can focus on work more and achieving some of my other goals in life. but it was nice having someone to talk to and spend time with that wasnt a dude.
i think while my foot heals up over the next six months that i am going to enroll in a couple college courses. probably start off with basic math and english to throw some grease on the wheels and get back into the homework concept..... not that i was ever into back in high school :) i think now if i were in school that i would be a very good student, better than many of the students who take it all for granted. which brings me to my next thought, america is GREAT!
why? because we are a lot smarter than a lot of the world, but more-so we are a free democratic nation. we have our rich scumbags at the top but who doesnt? all in all americans are decent people. i wouldnt want to be a citizen of any other nation.
its definitely been a very long time since i blogged last but i figured id give it yet another shot. see where life leads me kinda thing. and im not really sure if anyone is even going to read this ever.
im getting ready to go home for three weeks of vacation time! im so looking forward to not thinking about anything army. im planning on bringing my dress blues (once i buy them) with me so i can finally get professional photos taken of me wearing them. mom has wanted a nice military picture of me for well over a year now and i havent been able to do it. now i should be able to though.
we got some newbies in my shop at work. three to be exact. and frequently im finding myself dumping my computer/operations/general purpose knowledge into each of their brains. which is something ive never been in the position to do before. i enjoy teaching them anything they need to know so we can accomplish our mission. its pretty much two birds with one stone, times three... anyhow...
i love you all!
trenton
i think while my foot heals up over the next six months that i am going to enroll in a couple college courses. probably start off with basic math and english to throw some grease on the wheels and get back into the homework concept..... not that i was ever into back in high school :) i think now if i were in school that i would be a very good student, better than many of the students who take it all for granted. which brings me to my next thought, america is GREAT!
why? because we are a lot smarter than a lot of the world, but more-so we are a free democratic nation. we have our rich scumbags at the top but who doesnt? all in all americans are decent people. i wouldnt want to be a citizen of any other nation.
its definitely been a very long time since i blogged last but i figured id give it yet another shot. see where life leads me kinda thing. and im not really sure if anyone is even going to read this ever.
im getting ready to go home for three weeks of vacation time! im so looking forward to not thinking about anything army. im planning on bringing my dress blues (once i buy them) with me so i can finally get professional photos taken of me wearing them. mom has wanted a nice military picture of me for well over a year now and i havent been able to do it. now i should be able to though.
we got some newbies in my shop at work. three to be exact. and frequently im finding myself dumping my computer/operations/general purpose knowledge into each of their brains. which is something ive never been in the position to do before. i enjoy teaching them anything they need to know so we can accomplish our mission. its pretty much two birds with one stone, times three... anyhow...
i love you all!
trenton
Thursday, August 5, 2010
gym time
so i failed at following through with the P90x program. i would love to do it if only it didnt take 1.5+ hours in the gym each night. i dont have that kind of time sadly. but im getting back into the gym routine with just lifting this go around. I should do pretty good at being consistent now considering my job is not as demanding now as it has been in the past. but i really dont have much time to write tonite. im going to attempt yet again to start blogging more each week. to further my efforts i have made blogger.com my homepage.
off to the gym i go
specialist meryhew
off to the gym i go
specialist meryhew
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
long time no posty
its been about 20 days since i last posted on here,,,, weak i know. since i posted last a lot has happened im sure. but to be honest i cant remember most of it. stuff changes here in iraq so fast i cant remember much of the many details. im trying to stick with the P90x program i started in the gym. currently i am running the farp for the next few days. basically loading birds with ammo. i honestly like that part of my job the most. my sergeant major told me the other day that he would help me pursue any route in the army that i choose. wether that be officer, pilot, special ops aviation or whatever. him and my lieutenant colonel said that. so now its just a matter of dropping packets to request those things. but first i have to decide which route i truly want to take in life, as far as the army is concerned. heck i still gotta figure out if i even want to bother staying in or just simply getting out in four years from now. it does sound appealing. who knows, i sure dont. at least not yet. but i will have to figure all of these things out eventually. while i still have these two leaders supporting me.
im very tired. love you alll,
trenton
im very tired. love you alll,
trenton
Friday, June 25, 2010
day off
finally my day offf tomorrow. im going to thin out all the crap i dont need here and send it home through the usps. its going to be sweet. getting rid of alot of uneeded stuff. cut my baggage in half for when i go back to the states, or if i have to move around here in iraq anymore. hopefully the second one doesnt happen. ive never been so ready to go back to the usa in my entire life. but thats becuz before this deployment i had never left the states to begin with. my days are morphed into a blurr. i just cant wait to see the end of this blurr they call iraq. theres not a whole lot going on anymore out here. i imagine i feel the same as a fresh joe felt near the end of ww2. after the nazi's lost and only small uprisings continued for a little while after. its pretty stable here. at least compared to the beginning of the war. i dont know. i cant decide exactly one hundred percent where i want to go from here. but i know a girl who once told me a very hippy line. she said just do what you can and you'll end up where you always wanted to be. or something along those lines lol. i dont have the best of memories around. that is the one character fault of mine that i dislike the most. if i could change any one thing about me it would be that. well other than that life is good. im alive and welll n i got my health
cathc ya later\
trenton
cathc ya later\
trenton
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
gym tonite?
We shall see about the gym tonite. i still need to get water for my fridge (gotta stay hydrated here in iraq), go through my duffel for stuff to mail home that i never needed out here in the first place (thanks !st ID for being overprepared!), and make some phone calls to american financially institutions to try and set myself up for improved credit scores so that maybe when i come home with money in my pocket i can invest it in real estate....? then im going to the gym. i am trying to start the P90X program like all my family back home is starting to do. My oldest brother brandon has lost a lot of weight and is looking great now. I simply want to get bigger. i want my arms to be cannons of muscle for everyone to stare at lol. today i think i am finally going to be caught up on my to do list. im trying to establish my own battle rhythm so that when i redeploy to america i will be on my way to trying out for special forces. thats is the goal as of now. ive got the latin american spanish thing from rosetta stone language software so i can learn some spanish obviously. and i am hopefully going to start doing some forced ruck marches in my free time to prepare for the grueling three weeks of tryouts. if i make it through those three weeks and get selected i want to go in as a medical sergeant. fixing everything from headaches to sewing up animals and all kinds of EMT type work. i like helping people and learning and teaching too. anyways i have a lot to do. its hot here in iraq. everyday its starting to be around 110 fahrenheit. with boots pants and jacket. its only june. cant wait till july august when it gets hotter then more humid lol. talk to you all later,
trenton
trenton
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